Known For What?
Today, two years ago, an important person in my life died. He left behind a wife, three daughters and many friends. I couldn't let this day go by unnoticed. Exactly one year ago, my daughters and I met together at a local brewery to remember Joe, my husband of 28 years. This year, I've decided not to "celebrate" his death, but rather embrace the fact that he is no longer among the living. He is alive, in many ways, through his daughters and in our memories. He had a presence about him that is not forgotten easily.
Losing a close family member is difficult, especially knowing they weren't ready to die. He wanted to live, be married to me, and hold grandchildren one day. He wanted to see his girls thrive, get married and enjoy life. He felt he was being robbed of life here on earth, yet, there seemed to be other plans for him and us. While we continue to remember Joe, I am comforted that he is no longer in pain, nor does he have to live the difficulties that life brings. Most of all, he's cancer free.
As I reflect on our family life together, there were certainly difficulties. What is missed most, I think, is his comic relief. He was goofy, sarcastic, shocking, and just plain hilarious at times. The "girls," as we call ourselves, tend to be more serious; although I think we have loosened up over the years! Joe made us laugh with the multiple names throughout the years, like "Jackson." For a time, he referred to everyone as "Jackson." It was used so much that no offspring could ever bare that name. One day, as I was making bread, Joe came by and dipped his fingers into the flour. He smeared the flour onto his face and began to act like he was a coke head with his wide eyes. I captured the moment in the photograph in this post. I could never get away with acting like that, but Joe could. It was him!
The reality is there were some tough times. Not everyone is well equiped with the right actions, wisdom, or dialogue when it comes to dealing with people. Words cut deep even if the intention was good. How people make us feel is remembered more than anything, and that becomes apart of our emotional makeup. It's our view of who we are, even if it's a blurry vision of ourself. It's easy to think others see us as we see ourselves. Our view of self is characterized by those around us. I've found it difficult to move past the inadequacies of a less than a perfect person. Criticism rolled off the tongue of the one who also said, "I love you." Harsh words found their way into my mind and camped out. I found marriage to be hard, exhausting, and stressful. For some reason, we just don't talk about the difficulties of relationships, but we need to. My own tendency is to sweep it under the rug and go on. Apology accepted...let's move on. Over the course of a lifetime, those hurts add up. Forgiven, but not forgotten. That wedge makes a crack.
To me, relationships are more important than anything else in this world. It's all we can leave with when our time is up. How are the relationships in your life? How do others describe you? What legacy or impact will you leave on the ones you love the most? Stop for a moment and think about it. Are there some changes you need to make? Do you need to apologize for past behaviors? This world says be selfish. Think of yourself. Do what makes you happy. These behaviors will not build relationships, rather, it will turn people away. A relationship starts with giving. A healthy relationship continues to give until the end. To truly love someone, it will be necessary to die to your own selfish desires. Putting those whom you love in the forefront of your life. Ask yourself what you can do to make someone else's life better...then do it. Often the things we want for ourselves are the things we need to give away.
What do you want to leave behind? How will others describe you after your death? Will you be missed? On this day, I can say that Joe is remembered and missed. He gave what he could give. He loved us with all he had. He was loyal to a fault. Rest in peace, my love.
