Do You See Me?

During the recent American Herbalist Guild conference, an attendee shared to the group how she felt seen among us as to who she really is. In her hometown of California, where she grew up, among her family and friends, she lamented that she isn’t seen and therefore, feels out of place and frustrated. Can you relate?

As I consider this situation, I believe I can relate. It’s easy to pigeon hole a person into who they seemingly have always been and not allow them to break out of that mold to become a better version of themselves. Often times, hurt, fear, and perhaps safety keeps us locked into a particular mindset causing rigidity and therefore the inability to see with “new eyes.”

In one of the classes at the conference, the speaker gave participants the opportunity to sit with a plant medicine. That meaning, smelling the medicine, tasting the medicine, and then sitting quietly for a few minutes to feel if anything was happening in the body. Previous experiences have left me with very little “feeling.” However, this time, I was able to experience a shift with just one drop of tincture.

The instructor did not tell the group what emotion we were to work with or the plant that provides support for that emotion. Rather she allowed the group to discuss what they had experienced each time. It was an eye-opening experience for me to understand that a mere drop can cause a shift in one’s spirit.

Emotions get stuck inside and often times lives there for years buried deep inside. Every once in a while, there may a feeling of something, but we quickly bury it again because it’s just too painful to deal with. I think of people in my own life who have behaved in a certain way that caused harm and even though they have worked to overcome that behavior, I may be guilty of keeping the old mindset and not allowing change to take place. It’s certainly not easy, but I think prayer and meditation can help. Our minds are amazingly strong and capable to change even when our physical body struggles. In his book, MENTAL TOUGHNESS, authors Moses and Troy Horne describe a study whereby basketball players were divided into two groups. One group went out on the court and practiced while the other group sat and visualized shooting and the ball going in the hoop. When the two were compared as to which group improved, it was the group who visualized who made more shots.

Meditation is an opportunity to get mentally tough and see yourself as a better version of who you desire to be. It’s in those quiet moments of relaxation that our best ideas emerge. Although for me it usually in the car or the shower, and I want to write them down!

If there is someone you are holding down, keeping in a box, or just not seeing with new eyes, I challenge you to pray for that person, meditate on a renewed relationship and watch what unfolds. Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for you.

*The photo are Turkey Tail mushrooms I found growing on a huge log while walking in a park near the conference hotel.

A Noun Or A Verb?

Grammar and the structures of sentences had my head spinning in elementary school. Nouns and verbs were the easiest to identify, especially proper names and action words. As if learning what each part of the sentence structure weren’t challenging enough for me, I then found out that the same word used in a different way might have a different part to play. Arrrr! How was I ever going to get that straight?

Fast forward, I’ve been out of elementary school for, well…a number of years now. While I don’t think about sentence structures during the course of each day, I have been noodling over a particular word for several weeks and wondered if it is most used as a noun or a verb. What does it look like as a noun and what does it look like as a verb?

Let me tell you a story:

Janie and Amy have been friends for years. Both ladies have had some personal troubles and stresses going on in their lives. Amy found out that Janie told some very personal information about her to a mutual friend. Rather than going to Janie about the incident, Amy retaliated on social media by posting some unpleasant personal information about Janie. Now both Amy and Janie are hurting because of choices each had made. 

This is a story that is active and alive. Just change the names and situation, and I’m sure you or someone you know has experienced a similar scenario.

The word, forgiveness by definition is a noun and is defined as the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. According to Wikipedia, it is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may feel victimized, undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding a given offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance.

The Million Dollar Question:

What needs to take place in order for these two friends to reconcile? What have you done that has worked? What hasn’t?

Here are a few scenerios:

1)    Amy goes to Janie and tells her about the hurt and waits for Janie to apologize. Janie tells Amy she is so sorry for the hurt caused and asks for forgiveness. Amy says she forgives Janie, but weeks later the two friends still have not spoken. Amy does not say she is sorry or asked for forgiveness for the hurt she caused Janie. Rather Amy holds Janie hostage as someone who can’t be trusted.

    Is forgiveness a noun or a verb?

Is the relationship restored?

2)    Both Amy and Janie feel they are the victim and refuse the accept or admit their part in the conflict. Rather they each hold on to the hurt that transcends into hours of discussing the issue with others and lay awake a night feeling anxious. Amy and Janie are waiting for the other person to “make a move”. After months pass, the two run into each other. Janie makes an apology to Amy and Amy says she has already forgiven her, however, Amy stands afar and seems cold toward Janie.

    Is forgiveness a noun or a verb?

Is the relationship restored?

3)    Amy goes to Janie and tells her about the hurt, but goes on to say that she is sorry for any hurt she may have caused that led up to the incident. Amy also apologies for the hurtful things she put on social media and asks for forgiveness. Janie tells Amy that she did indeed hurt her, but is sorry she took it to someone else rather than coming to her first and talking it out. Both Amy and Janie confide in each other of their shortcomings and brokenness. Both parties confess that they had contributed to the conflict, asked for forgiveness and to restore the friendship. They met for coffee a week later and are back to laughing and talking about the issues of life.

 Is forgiveness a noun or a verb?

Is the relationship restored?

Now What?

I think too many times, forgiveness is used as the noun. It makes sense to me that since it requires action, it should be a verb. People “say” they forgive, but then want nothing to do with the person afterwards. As a believer, the vertical direction between me and God is easier. I confess my sins and He forgives (at least I hope). The Horizontal direction is much more difficult. Forgiveness between people is complicated by our own selfish desires rather than living out Christ’s direction of forgiveness. God is love, but God is just. It frightens me to think that God won’t forgive me if I hold my brothers and sisters hostage for their sins. It’s easy to think it’s justified when hurts are deep, however, that’s not what we are called to do. True forgiveness shouldn’t be hard. The truth is we want to place ourselves above all others and claim innocence. As far as I know, there was only one perfect person who walked the Earth.

Forgiveness is freedom. Holding onto hurts is self-destructive. When we offend someone, we are called to apologize, ask for forgiveness and try to restore the relationship. When too much time has passed, what occurs is bitterness, resentment and awkwardness. And, when someone asks for forgiveness, it’s important to acknowledge the hurt that was caused to them by the other party. The Word speaks very clearly about forgiveness:

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others of their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” ~ Matthew 6:14-15

“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but swelling on it separate close friends.” ~ Proverbs 17:9

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” ~ Ephesians 4:32

“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” ~ Matthew 5:44

We are called to pray for those who hurt us. Why? So our heart will become tender and loving, not dark and hardened. 

So, I ask you. What is forgiveness?  Is it a noun or a verb? 

Gifts.....

Gift giving is a nice way to let others know you think and care about them.  Taking the time to consider and choose a proper gift can be bring much joy for both the giver and the receiver, especially if thought and time was taken for just the right gift.  Presents are given for many occasions from hostess gifts to birthdays, Christmas to child birth, and anything in between.  Over the years, I’ve tried to become less materialistic and have inspired others to do the same by encouraged spending time with people rather than purchasing gifts.  I think that’s why I enjoy Thanksgiving so much.  It’s a time to be thankful without exchanging gifts.

When I stop to think about my prejudices with gift giving, I’m reminded of the ways gifts have impacted my life.  Everything begins with a thought, then an action, followed by a reaction.  It’s these internal loops that condition behavior and future thoughts.  In my own life, gifts were given/received for a birthday and Christmas.  I did receive on Easter a basket with a few things and a new Sunday outfit.  But that was it! Life was simple and frugal.  I’ve also been told I’m not a good gift giver, and maybe I’m sensitive to the process and choices of my purchasing power. Honestly, I tend to be more of a practical gift giver by giving something that someone can actually use rather than a fun or frivolous present. The other important factor in my own life was the fact that with one particular person, gifts came with strings attached.  This left a skepticism in my thought process about the intention from the giver, and I think, skewed my beliefs for other’s intentions who gave gifts.  More importantly, what I learned in life is that people perceive love and care in very different ways.  For me, gifts were nice, but did not represent the way I wanted to feel loved. 

If you have never heard of love languages, let me introduce you.  Gary Chapman is the author of a book called The 5 Love Languages.  In it, he explains that people perceive love in a variety of ways:

·      Acts of service—do something for me

·      Touch—hold my hand

·      Words of affirmation—tell me something I do well

·      Quality time—play a game with me

·      Gifts—buy me something

Likely, we want them all to some degree, however, there are some that speaks louder to us than others.  Knowing this information can be helpful with children and in relationships in general.  Knowing the information helped me with my three children.  I could noticeably see the differences when I spoke to their individual love language.  If you are giving a gift to someone who’s love language is words of affirmation, they will not feel as loved as when you were to tell them something positive.

Today is Valentine’s Day, or Singles Awareness Day, as my children would call it.  Many of our “holidays” are invented by the card companies to keep consumerism high.  There’s the expectation of what to purchase, how much to spend, and the let down when the bar was set too high.  It’s estimated this year approximately $27.4 billion will be spent on the love holiday, according to the National Retail Federation.  That includes cards, candy, flowers, dining out, spa treatments, etc. for relatives, friends, co-workers, and pets.  That’s a considerable amount of money.  I wonder what other ways we can show others we love and care for them that doesn’t require spending money?  Do any of us NEED candy?  Come to think about it, if I eat candy then it will weaken my immune system and add weight, which many of us are trying to shed.  In the end, if we give gifts to someone who’s love language is not gifts, they won’t be getting the real message.  As a result, the time and resources spend were not as effective as intended. Consider a new thought in your purchasing power: Rather than just buy a gift and check off the box, get to know the person you want to express care for by speaking to their love language.

Want to know your love language? Take the test here.

Health Bite:  Show the appropriate love that supports the person who will receive it. 

Who Gives A Hug?

It can seem extravagant to spend money on luxuries like pedicures, massages, or yoga classes. I was one of those people who had those ideas, but I now understand the importance of such expenditures. One of the occupational hazards of healthcare is the strenuous stress on the body. When caring for others, dental and medical professionals endure frequent injuries due to positioning of the body and lifting/assisting others to care for their needs. Creating a self-care plan is essential to anyone who works in these fields, however, there are benefits for everyone, regardless of occupation.

PERSONAL TOUCH

For people who are single or live alone, personal touch is often elusive. It’s an awkward thing to ask random people for a hug, yet that hug is so powerful. One thing that connects us to each other is touch. Living alone or being single can leave a void in human touch.  The lack of it can have negative health implications. A Carnegie Mellon University study examined the effects of social support and hugs with those who were susceptible to developing the common cold after being exposed to the virus. Those with perceived social support were less likely to come down with a cold.  It’s suspected that the stress-buffering effects of hugging were beneficial.  Even those that got a cold who felt they had greater social support and frequent hugs, had less severe cold symptoms.  

Hugging is a marker of intimacy and helps to create that feeling that others care in the face of adversity.  People under stress are at greater risks for getting sick.  There are health related benefits to hugs.  It releases oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone.  Oxytocin promotes attachment and is released by the hypothalamus in the brain.  It influences mood, behavior and physiology.  Hugging and oxytocin release have a trickle-down effect throughout the body, causing the heart rate to slow and the stress hormone, cortisol and norepinephrine to drop. In a study conducted by Ohio State University, oxytocin was found to improve immune function and pain tolerance.  On the subject of mood, oxytocin has been shown to increase levels of feel-good hormones like serotonin and dopamine, both which have calming effects. It also has been linked in reducing depression and anxiety. 

STAY AWAY

We are becoming a society that is fearful of connection in a real way.  Our relationships are built on social media platforms and at best superficial. During the cold and flu season, we avoid people for fear of getting sick.  The Me2Movement has been blown way out of proportion so that now people are afraid to even touch another, especially if it’s the opposite gender. There are a lot of people who struggle each day with mental and physical health issues. Perhaps part of that reason is due to a disconnection from society. 

SELF-CARE

After my husband died, I decided I would get a massage on a regular basis for the first year so I would have that personal touch. As an added bonus those massages helped me in my dental hygiene profession.  I found it to be beneficial not only in a physical way, but also soothing to my mind and spirit.  Self-care practices should be utilized daily, not just monthly.  It’s important to check in with yourself each day, and sometimes during the day. How are you feeling? What’s going on inside your mind/body/spirit that needs attention? I hope you will consider setting aside time and resources for self-care practices. These are not luxuries, but essentials. One cannot care for others and give of themselves if their own vessel is struggling.  Stop a moment and consider what you do for self-care that keeps you well balanced and whole.  Perhaps if you need a hug, then give one away.  You both will reap the benefits.

Health Bite: “The Best Place in the World is Inside a Hug.” –J Quest

Excuse Me

The wonder and beauty of individuals are our differences.  Often, we are attracted to people that help strengthen our weaknesses.  For as much of the sameness we share with one another, we are all really quite different in a variety of ways.  Those differences can make relationships both interesting and frustrating.  Life would be so boring if we were all the same, yet, many of us seem to dislike being around people who are not.  Society has come a long way, especially in the last two decades.  We, as people, are more accepting of individuality regardless if it aligns with our own; yet, depression, anxiety, and suicide prevalence is still too high. I think it’s mostly due to feeling different, unloved, and unaccepted.

 I’ve been in enough social circles in life to witness the subtle ways people work to try and upset others by pushing buttons that are sensitive.  Religion and politics are two things that are discouraged from discussing, yet those two subjects make it to the surface on a regular basis.  I wonder if they are supposed to be off limits because of the deep emotions that play into them?  Personally, I enjoy listening to people’s ideas and ways of thinking about these subjects.  Of course, I have my own opinion; and I’ll chime in when I have something to say, but first of all, I choose to love the people in the room unconditionally.  It sets a new perspective in the light of love.  With love in the center, all conversations begin and end in that emotion. 

 I’ve learned to ask gathering questions to help me understand the framework in which a person is coming from.  Don’t we all have reasons for our opinions?  Understanding a new perspective sheds some light on why a person feels so passionately about a particular topic.  Usually there is a deep wound or experience that creates an opinion or value.  Empathy and compassion allows perspective. While it may not be something I agree with, that doesn’t mean there should be an offense.

I am the only one who gets to choose whether I’m offended by a topic or remark or not.  No one else gets a say so.  Think about this:  If someone says something to you that is offensive, you can choose to ingest it or throw it out.  When we take offense to things that feel hurtful, those emotions become a part of who we are.  That can manifest into a hurt that can become an negative emotion and eventually a disease.  We not only digest food, we digest emotions as well.  Rather than choosing to be offended by a remark or a gesture, I can ask myself if the remark or gesture is true or worth considering.  If it is, then I should think about it and make necessary adjustments.  However, if it is untrue, then I should dismiss it into the universe as noise.  Each of us as a choice in how to process information.  It can be ingested and become a part of who we are (good or bad) or it can be dismissed as untrue, unwarranted and, therefore, noise.

Rather than choosing to be offended by a remark, chose a different outcome by agreeing to disagree.  I have friends who think differently on a variety of topics, yet we can have fun together and honor each other’s differences.  Life is too short to walk around being offended.  I challenge each one to show up with unconditional love; especially, when there are differences. That doesn’t mean you have to be their best friend or even choose to spend a lot of time with that person.  What it does mean is choosing to love that person for their differences.  That’s the difference! 

Health Bite: Choose unconditional love

Embracing One

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite playtime activities was playing house.  I was the mommy and on a good day, I could talk my brother into playing the daddy. Most of the time though, I was a “single” mom.  I would make mud pies, rock my babies, feed them, etc.  As girls get older, we dream of weddings and married life.  Perhaps it’s because it was modeled to us by our own mothers or the stories of princesses and happily every after.  The thoughts and expectations of our lives, even though it’s our plan, doesn’t always come to pass.  There are those that for whatever reason, marriage or family never materializes.  It can be a huge disappointment if that how our life was supposed to play out.  

Society projects the need to be coupled up on us. Media, dating sites, and well-meaning friends have ideas of the perfect person that could make life so much better. I wonder how many times people “settle” because of that need to have someone.  Not having the right person can make a long existence.  King Solomon in two separate places had this to say: “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” Proverbs 21:19, and “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 25:24. Obviously, King Solomon was a peacemaker.  He sought not to argue or have discord in his household.  I wonder if he had a mancave?

 Why is our society so caught up with being in a couple relationship? Why is being single looked down upon or worse pitied?  There are those people who really, really need to have a significant other in their life. My step father is one of those. He married my mother nine months after his first wife died.  Within three months after my own mother died, he has developed a relationship with someone new and plans to remarry very soon and move away.  Some people are just miserable alone.

 Almost three years ago, I found myself single after my husband died. While it has been a huge adjustment, I’ve learned that navigating as a single person has been a wonderful experience. I enjoy the freedom of a schedule that is my own.  I can suddenly change my agenda and it doesn’t affect anyone else.  I can be spontaneous and jump into a new adventure without any discussion or debate.

 Being single has also allowed me to grow in new ways and experience opportunities that otherwise would not have been possible.  It comes down to being content in life.  When a person’s view is “I have enough”, then enough is a full life.  Lack comes from the thoughts that there is something missing.  If there is nothing missing, then why is there a need to have more? The gifts that come when a person is living in abundance is so satisfying there is no need for anything more. 

 I enjoyed being in a committed relationship, growing a family, and nurturing those around me.  There are wonderful benefits of having someone significant to love and care for, but it’s not for everyone.  There is a sense of match making that goes on between family and friends.  There are those who really enjoy “playing cupid” by trying to get like people together.  If someone is single, perhaps that person is full and satisfied solo. The grass often looks better on the other side of the fence, but I can tell you I know many married couples who are miserable, and I know some single people who are unhappy as well. Happiness is an inside job.  No one person can provide bliss or will bring the contentment or the joy you deserve.  Those thoughts of lack or not enough is where discontentment begins. Change those thoughts and suddenly, there is abundance and joy.  We should not impose our own desires on those around us.  God has a plan for each person.  Each of us have a purpose to make this world a better place in some way, regardless whether married or single. I’ve been able to cultivate new friendships and re-activate friendships with people in my life that I previously thought I didn’t have time for.  I’ve found people who fill in those areas that I thought I would feel “lack” in.  Be okay to be single.  I’ve been both married and single, and I can tell you there is a lot of freedom in singleness!  Embrace where you are and find joy and contentment in the awareness of abundance.

 Health bite:  Embrace singleness with an abundant life.

How Do You Relate?

I'll bet you know someone who gives great gifts. Every time there's a reason to celebrate, this person always seems to present the coolest gift and people get excited to see what gift she has given. Is that person you? It's not me. I struggle to find gifts for occasions and quite frankly, I don't really enjoy shopping. What I do well is doing things for people, and I'll praise their success and encourage them in their life. Why the difference? I think it comes down to how we perceive love ourselves.

Each of us encounters love in different ways. For me, words of affirmation and acts of service resonate with me as love. Since that's how I perceive love, that's what I'm inclined to give. Unfortunately, the person I'm trying to show love to may not feel loved. If we don't take the time to really understand someone, they may never really feel loved or appreciated. It's important to give the person the right kind of love. In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman, outlines ways that people feel loved. You can discover your love language on his website. 

Of all the areas in life to try and find balance, I think relationships are by far the most difficult to navigate. There are factors that are beyond our control and emotions often give way to our thinking as facts. It's easy to interpret past experiences and the emotions felt as facts. When this happens, relationships can be strained or broken all together. Can you separate facts from perceived thoughts? A fact is something like, Brian works Lowes. A perceived thought is Brian is the hardest worker at Lowes. So no one would argue the fact that Brian works at Lowes, but whether he's a hard workers or not may be up for debate.  

There are so many unspoken thoughts and non-verbal actions that are misinterpreted between people. Misconceptions and misspoken words can hurt and break people's trust. Then what? How does one restore brokenness? I don't think there is any one answer, but perhaps a lifetime of daily forgiveness and humbling one's self in thinking that no one if perfect and likely sometime in our own life, we have hurt others without even knowing it. 

Years ago, I taught a second grade Sunday School class. One of the lessons was how to have joy in our life. I'm pretty sure my students don't remember anything that day we discussed, but I never forgot it and try to use this simple concept everyday. JOY is found by putting Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. That's not what our culture teaches, and I wonder if that's why there is so much unhappiness. 

So many times we are hurt by others. It creates wounds, sometimes very deep and when someone gives more than takes, a relationship can be exhausting both mentally and physically. Sometimes it's necessary to end relationships that are not healthy. Sometimes no matter how hard we have tried, the other person just isn't responsive or maybe is unable to give.

Over the next few months, I plan to unpack this post in more detail. There is a lot to chew on here. Like I said, relationships are difficult to navigate because we have the least amount of control. Just remember, You cannot change the other person; you can only change YOU. Sometimes just a small change in you can create an affect of the other person. 

Health-bite: Live in JOY and you will find joy.

Friends

There is no such thing as having too many friends. Friends are people who come along in life just at the right time. They are there during the good times and bad times. Friends love and support us when we are grumpy and are difficult to be around. We laugh, cry, share heartaches and joys, or just sit in silence with us. Friends are a necessary part of life. I don’t think it’s good to be alone for long periods of time. I often think if each of us has just one good friend we can tell all our secrets to, we wouldn’t need counselors.

For me, my ability to keep up with friends was difficult during periods of time when the family was young and growing up. I have been guilty with not carving out time to connect with friends and found that excuses and busyness came easily. Work, marriage, children, and a household monopolized my time. Guilty!

Each friendship brings something different to the table. For me, I have friends that I can shop with, others that enjoy going out to eat, and there are those that seem to know intuitively that something is wrong and won’t let up until the beans are spilled. I have friends I can share my deepest secrets with while others I can share spiritual experiences with. Depending on the circumstances going on in life depends on the person I choose to contact. We are a body of people, and we all need support.

Family is family and that bond needs attention. We can not choose our family, but we get to choose our friends. Those relationships, even when time and distance is between them, can catch up so quickly. Is that how it is with you? I can be months or years since the last heart-to-heart, yet in an instance, that bond that was created years ago, quickly appears. 

There are times when I think I’m bothering my girl friends by asking them to get together, but I have found they really need me as much as I need them. It’s good to get away from the normal routines and just talk as men or women. There are subjects that only a person with the same gender can understand.  I’m not pretending to know what guys need, because I don’t. I do know they need guy friends just as much as gals need gal friends. Even when life is busy, take time to get together with your friends. They miss you!

Health bite: Friends are a necessary part of our social balance

The Love Connection

Every day each of us encounter someone, somewhere. Maybe it's at work, the grocery store, or the gym. Eye contact is made, perhaps a greeting or even a conversation. Some contacts are superficial while others are more meaningful and depending on the mood, stress or activities of the moment. These relationships can be strengthened or weakened in any given day.

Materials of this world come and go. Jobs come and go, but our relationships are all we will die with. When we are newly attracted to a person, we want to spend all of our time with them. Once an avid hiker, we find ourselves on the couch watching movies with our new interest, because we want to spend each waking moment with that person. The relationship blossoms. 

The work environment gives the opportunity to spend time with people we normally wouldn't have had the opportunity to know. Most of our waking hours are spend with our co-workers. Relationships can grow and become quite meaningful. Likely, there are people you have worked with in the past that remain friends. We have to opportunity to share life experiences and frustrations. The key is to not overstep the boundaries between work and play. Co-workers of the same gender can be safe, while those that are not, can be tricky to navigate. Working closely to a person of the opposite sex can easily move into a relationship that is not healthy, especially if both parties are married. These relationships are further strained when one or both marriages are not a happy. Office affairs commonly happen because of the closeness felt when striving to meet the same goals, working closely together, and late night meetings, social entertaining with clients make a window for opportunity to cross the sacred boundary.

Raising children is both rewarding and stressful. It's a very busy time of life that puts strain on many marriages and friendships. The core of life seems to be wrapped around raising the children and just surviving another day. Pressures of work and career with late nights, traveling and meetings, puts an even bigger strain on the relationship. Statistically, only 50% of marriages make it through to the end, with the other half calling it quits. In Christian marriages, only about 10% end in divorce, however, of those staying in the marriage, only about 20% report being happy. What happened to those thrilling days in the new relationship?

In the beginning, we want to spend all our time with the other person, often taking on roles we wouldn't have otherwise. According to Harville Hendrix, PhD, in his book Getting the Love You Want, he identifies four stages couples go through. The first stage is romantic. It's the selection process and attraction, and we try to be what the other person wants us to be. From that stage we move to a power struggle when each person resumes their own identity. At this stage couples move from diffusion to differentiation. Not as much time is invested in the relationship as hobbies, careers, and activities draw the couple away from one another.

The third stage, according to Dr Hendrix, is the resolution stage. There are two possible scenarios in this stage. First is the parallel relationship, whereby, the couple withdrawals from each other and operate their lives with great care around their children or business. They engage in social activities, but are no longer intimate or sexual, but decide to stay together and individual needs are met through careers, spirituality, or affairs. The other relationship is the hot marriage, whereby the couple continuously and constantly fight. Most of these end in divorce.

The fourth then, is the coming together stage. When two people have become aware of the unconscious interactions in their relationship, they can decide to work on the relationship. The first thing that needs to be done is to close the exits that take each person away from the relationship and make a re-commitment to the each other. Not fulfilling self desires or one's own needs, but the other persons needs. Removing negativity and accept the other partner's otherness and who they are.

Dialog is vital to any relationship, especially in a marriage. By taking action that sustains the connection, it will deepen intimacy. When one partner speaks, listen. Repeat what you think they have said. Validate what they are trying to say, and then, accept their truths by showing empathy. Relationships can wax and wane throughout the years. The daily stresses can be magnified and become a real fracture in a relationship, but working together, couples can come out on the other side victorious.

health bite: The relationship that is nurtured is the one that will survive.